What’s A Tubal Pregnancy? A 17 Year Old’s Shame

whats-a-tubal-pregnancy

Labor Day 1973 I got a call from my girlfriend/financee that morning her words are etched in my mind, “I’m in the hospital they say I have a tubal pregnancy, and I may bleed to death. I need you to tell my parents and have them come to the hospital”.

As you may imagine my world collapsed in a moment, I was happily engaged, headed for College in a couple weeks, but now none of that mattered now. There was a new life I knew nothing about and another close to death that I loved, and how in the world could I face her parents especially her dad?

43 years have passed and I had completely buried that day as my dead child was disposed of, with no understanding and a distancing myself as far as I could get get from it. Unknown to me was a terrified 17 year old, Robby stuck there in 1973 with a whole bunch of unresolved agreements, shame, and forgiveness issues. Although I have probably done more than 100 radio interviews with post abortive parents the memory never even brushed my conscience.

That all changed this week when I discovered someone very close to me had a miscarriage a few years ago that I knew nothing about and with the shock of that revelation the memories all came flooding back. Immediately I thought, “Oh, Lord Jesus, I have work to do.” Clearly I need to go there with Jesus and get some healing and resolution for a part of me literally is still there. I have God to thank that I am part of this ministry of The Masculine Journey where we talk about the restoration of the heart and soul frequently and I have had the amazing pleasure of the online videos at Ransom Heart called Restoration of the Heart Series with John Eldridge and Dan Allender.

What a chance to go back and recover what the enemy had stolen and left there. So this morning I actually went to the seventh video in that series where John Eldredge takes the attendees through a session with Jesus. John asks the hard questions as you unravel your story, yes I had done this with several traumatic stories from my childhood and each time found some amazing breakthrough in breaking agreements, bitter roots and judgements and a few strong men and forgiveness issues galore. All restoring the younger Robbys with the older. I should also add that Jesus gave me gifts I will treasure forever.This incident was clearly holding me captive.

So I wanted to take this trip through this story and unwind it with you the reader in hopes that in some way you could relate and get break through and healing from Jesus as well in your life.

In the video first John Eledredge ask where; is the younger you, the 17 year old Robby in this case? Easy, I was on the the phone to my fiancee terrified.

Next John asked Jesus to help reveal any agreements we had made with the enemy as related to the trauma. Not so easy but they started to come. “Her parents are going to hate me”was one, “My parents are going to be ashamed of me”another, and “I am wretched and dirty and shameful”as well.
Lord Jesus I break those agreements.  We have to break the agreements to begin the restoration getting the enemy no legal right to this part of us.

Next John asked, how does the younger you feel about the older you. Is there forgiveness that needs to happen here on either side. “Yes, oh yes the younger me feels judged and called out. Yes, the older me need to apologize and restore my love and faith in my younger self. I need my younger self, his enthusiasm and the things only he knows.

Other forgiveness issues, I need to forgive my girlfriend, I won’t go into why, but it needs to happen.

Then one of my favorite parts is, Jesus asks all involved if they would like to go home with Him, back to live in my heart and out of this horrible place in 1973. Yes, Yes we do we do…

Then John adds  that Jesus often wants to give a gift, so I asked Jesus if He had something for me. Jesus said, “Yes, I have your, son.” He does He has that son, I never knew if it was a boy or girl but Jesus told me a boy. WOW and double wow.

As I was processing all this I saw clearly that Jesus knowing I would need this horrible kind of shame cleansed in blood, His precious blood, Jesus set His face to the cross and unbelievable act of love, that I would some day come to my child. I’m still not sure I can even take that in.

Freedom for the captive, yes I didn’t even know how trapped I was buried deep as I could bury it, yet till chained to my past. Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe.

You maybe wondering what a tubal pregnancy is or what happened. The short story is that a tubal pregnancy takes place in a  fallopian tube so as the child grows it bursts the women’s fallopian tube cuasing severe bleeding and the need for emergency surgery, almost always the loss of the baby as was the case that labor day. My finacee did recover though she did lose one of her fallopian tubes. She broke up with me a few months later was married a couple years afterwards to someone else and I understood at last count had 4 other children.

It’s a tragic story of some really bad choices I made at 17 and I in no way condone the sin. I do however boast in my weakness as clearly Jesus power was made perfect in my weakness, God is the hero of my story. I will like David get to see my baby in heaven. For now I’ll name him Lakin (found treasure).